Hope Never Disappoints

Over the past 3 years, I've had so much hope. I hoped for a miracle, that my husband's cancer would be erased by the chemo. I hoped for more time. I hoped that he would return to the Sacraments. Lastly, I hoped for a happy death.

The Miracle

I just knew if I prayed enough, God would hear me and answer me just as I wanted. I've never experienced such devastation in my life; how could He not take care of me with this request? I continued to hope for a miracle for 2 years. It wasn't until after then that my hope began to shift. 

More Time

Looking back over our life since his diagnosis, I realized we did get a miracle: God gave us the miracle of time. Over and over, he allowed us to have more time. We talked a lot and had some very difficult discussions. I'm not saying we didn't argue, because we did have more time for that as well! Just before my husband's passing, he had a hospital stay following an emergency colostomy. During that stay, he spent 5 days in ICU and another 5 in a regular room. Even his doctors were surprised that he improved enough to go home. During this time, he was able to tie up some loose financial ends. We also had more time for discussions and he had more time to spend individually with each of our sons.

Return to the Sacraments

After hoping and praying for years that he would return to the Sacraments, a week before his passing my husband told me he wanted to speak with a priest and go to confession. This was without my prompting or asking him. I ran into our parish priest the following morning and he came by that evening. My husband and I shared his Viaticum. I wasn't going to receive the Eucharist since I attended Mass that morning, but he asked me to share it with him. It was an absolutely beautiful gift that he gave to me, more precious than anything else he could have given.

A Happy Death

I spent the day of his passing saying a Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet. At that point, he was on comfort medications and was not able to speak or indicate that he understood what was being said to him. I asked the priest to come back by the night before and he administered the Last Rites as well as an apostolic pardon. My husband was surrounded by the boys and myself, as well as one of the girlfriends. At the moment of his passing, the boys and I were around him, with football on the TV (the sound was off) and the dogs in the room as well. He simply stopped breathing and his heart stopped beating.  Each of us gave him permission to leave this world and greet his aunt, grandparents, my parents, and the Holy Family. He passed away at home in his recliner, which is exactly how he wanted it.

A Shift In Hope

Now that he is gone, my hope is shifting. Maybe a little selfishly, my hope now is that God will show me His plan for the rest of my life and that I will be wise enough to follow it. I hope that the boys will find their way back to the Church, or at least back to God. Ultimately, I hope that I will have a happy death when the time comes, with my husband, parents, and the Holy Family waiting to welcome me home. 

My Prayer

Lord, may I never give up hoping to do Your will. May I keep hope in my heart as I look forward to the life to come. Thank you for my parents who taught me how to hope through Your love. Thank You for my husband: I saw first-hand what hope is for and what having hope does. Thank You for Your love; without it there would be no hope.

This picture was taken at Arches National Park during our last trip together in July, 2023